Monday, October 04, 2004

A Short Course On How To Be A Victim

This short course in three concise chapters is brought to you by

WorldWide Victimhood, Inc.


This brief guide is for those searching for an expedited pathway into the exalted status of Victimhood. Becoming a victim --as we all have learned from famous TV stars, prominent politicians; religions, races, and even nations--is an advantageous state of being in many ways, several of which are:

  • You are not responsible for what happened to you
  • You are always morally right
  • You are not accountable to anyone for anything
  • You are forever entitled to sympathy
  • You are always justified in feeling moral indignation for being wronged
  • You never have to be responsible again for anything

As you can see, these are some heavy-duty privileges; and they are not given to just anyone. This list is not exclusive. There are many benefits of Victimhood; and in our current society, new rewards are continuously being discovered! You, too, may be someone who blazes a new path for future victims!

You have to "earn" (ha ha, just kidding!) the badge of victimhood by one of two methods: 1) Membership in a special "victim" class; or 2) having something bad actually happen to you.


Victimhood is automatically conferred if you are a member of one or more of the following groups:

  • An underrepresented race (whoever is in the minority--the majority are barred from victimhood)
  • An underrepresented gender(males are prohibited from victimhood)
  • An underrepresented sexual orientation (heterosexuals are not allowed to be victims)
  • A nation without land (e.g., Palestinian)
  • A religion stuck in the Middle Ages (e.g., Islam)

Other individuals or groups may petition for Victimhood if they meet the following criteria:

  • The Liberal Media confers it on them
  • You appear on talk shows and spill your guts about some distasteful event that happened to you
  • You use drugs or alcohol but get into treatment after you get in trouble
  • You find God after you get in trouble
  • They are very sorry for your behavior or actions and have a reputable person to blame for why you did it (President Bush is always a good choice, but any parental figure--even God-- will do)
  • If you are a nation or religion, it is always safe to be a victim of the Jews
  • If you are incompetent at your job and unable to get ahead it is generally due to someone else's behavior; or it might be due to Adult Attention Deficit Disorder--either way works.
  • If you haven't achieved your proper level of power in the world (even if you are a dictator, surprisingly) you could be a victim of American foreign policy
  • If you have economic problems, it is likely you are a vicitm of Capitalism (remember, that socialism, communism, fascism, and other ideologies are completely off the hook since they proactively blame Capitalism for all the problems of the world)
  • If you are addicted to ANYTHING, you are likely to be a victim!
  • If your feelings are hurt by someone--either intentionally or unintentionally-- you are a victim (call our toll-free number above if you have any questions, but most Universities have special policies that cover you)
  • If you can attract Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton to your cause, you are, by definition, a victim!

Having something bad actually happen to you is the second method of achieving Victimhood. However, it is a less direct method than the methods listed above and is not recommended. Why, you might ask? Simple! Waiting around for something bad to actually happen to you is a very inefficient way of becoming a victim. After all, you cannot control when or where natural disasters occur. Statistically, other disastrous events (e.g., lightening striking; plane crashes; etc.) do not occur frequently enough to be reliable. And it is important to note that many people who suffer victimhood in this natural way will eventually get on with their lives! And that is the LAST THING YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO DO! Remember the most politically correct type of Victimhood is the kind you can inflict on yourself! Be professional! Our motto at WorldWide Victimhood, Inc. is "Take Control of Your Victimhood!".


Here are a few helpful strategies to maintain your Victimhood in spite of efforts to placate, apologize to; help, or support you:

  • Resist Resist Resist taking any responsibility for your own behavior. It can always be made to seem like someone else is at fault
  • Have a ready list of other people, nations, religions, groups etc. to blame for your situation and do not accept help from those on your list
  • Constantly demand your rights
  • Use the medium of Television to tell your story as often as possible
  • When using the above strategy, make sure you ACT like a victim--crying, whining, using anger effectively--all these can enhance other's perception of your Victimhood
  • NEVER take any steps to improve your situation--that way is the OPPOSITE of true Victimhood
  • Frequently going to see a psychiatrist or mental health professional can improve your Victimhood credentials (and you can apply the other strategies to resisting therapy to change); Other medical professionals are also useful in this regard, and a side benefit is that YOU CAN SUE THEM LATER if you don't like what they say; thus insuring further victimization!
  • Suicidal gestures are VERY helpful and can garner much sympathy. It is noteworthy that even large groups can use this strategy by encouraging suicidal behavior (or even homicidal behavior--which is counterintuitive, but fortunately often true!) on the part of the most vulnerable of their members (e.g., children or teens are good choices)

As you can see, there are many paths to Victimhood. Keep your head up and really look around for opportunities. One group in particular deserves special mention for their unfailing and extraordinary efforts at maintaining and feeding their Victimhood for decades. I am speaking of course, about the Palestinians. Through their "elected" president, Yasser Arafat, they have creatively resisted worldwide attempts to ease them gently from their role of victim. Their efforts have inspired many others --especially people and nations in the Middle East. But the Palestinians are, without a doubt the Gold Medal Winner of our WorldWide Victimhood, Inc. Annual Awards.

We at WWV, Inc. encourage all of you potential victims out there to watch and learn from real professionals. They are out there--everywhere you are--and their example can be an inspiration to strive for failure and achieve nothing in Life but to make others pay for their sins against you.


NOTE: To all those real victims out there, who are struggling to overcome diseases; recover from disasters and events; and move beyond those traumas that have temporarily and painfully interrupted your lives--I heartily salute you and in no way aim to denigrate your efforts. Taking responsibility for your life will empower you and enable you to grow beyond whatever you have experienced. May you always rise above what Life has presented to you and exceed all expectations--even your own.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Where's the toll free number? I wanna be a victim too!