PITTSBURGH, AUGUST, 1794 - In a striking display of divisions that have plagued the fledgling United States government, thousands of insurgents in Western Pennsylvania have set fire to homes, kidnapped public officials, and vowed continued defiance of a federal excise tax on whiskey.
Facing an insurgency that is proving itself resilient, President Washington mulled sending federal troops to quell the rebellion. Such an action would be sure to draw harsh criticism, creating deeper fissures within the already fragile nascent American republic.
The president's opponents seized on the crisis to revive questions about the rationale for the War of Independence, renewing criticism that colonial intelligence overstated the threat that was posed by the British monarchy.
"This is exactly what I've been telling people all along," said Josephus Kerry, whose intention to seek the presidency in 1796 is somewhat of an open secret. "When he was a general, Washington misled the colonies to war without a plan to win the peace."
Others were more emphatic in their criticism, especially Michael Morbid, whose blockbuster pamphlet "Fahrenheit 1776" alleges that the War of Independence occurred because the British government backed out of secret plans to build a beer pipeline from Massachusetts to Virginia.
"People seem to forget that in the 1750s, Washington was fighting alongside the British in the French and Indian War," Mr. Morbid said. "It was only after King George III put the kibosh on the pipeline project that things changed."
He added, "From the top down, this Administration is rife with ties to big beer. It's no coincidence that the vice-president's cousin is Sam Adams."
A member of the Move On Society, speaking under the condition of anonymity, said the group planned simultaneous protests in several cities during August, which they have declared, "Impeach Washingcrook" month.
The increasing boldness of the insurgency in Pennsylvania is just the latest blow to the Washington Administration, which has also grappled with maintaining a cabinet. At the end of last year, Thomas Jefferson resigned as Secretary of State amid bitter infighting with Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton.
I bet they had a lot of Josephus Kerry types in those days. You know the type--the ones angling to increase their own power and willing to pander to all and sundry for a vote (the most recent antics of the modern-day version can be found here).
Somehow, we managed to persevere as a country despite the insurgency and without electing Josephus. Read the whole thing!