Monday, January 09, 2006

Congressionally-Sanctioned Torture

I have been listening to the bloviating opening statements from the senators in the Alito confirmation. Before I completely succumbed to a stupor so profound that I feared for my life, I happened to notice the comments of Kate O'Beirne at The Corner . She was being somewhat tongue-in-cheek, I suspect:

Any one else notice that Senators who loudly claim to be opposed to torture are making Judge Alito sit through 10 minute speeches by the Judiciary Committee's 18 members? Of course it could be that they are way ahead of me. When the opening ordeal doesn't cause Judge Alito to confess that he plans to bring his right-wing, outside the mainstream ideological agenda to the Court it will be evidence that torture doesn't work. Clever.

But, after reading that, a lightbulb went on in my senatorially-battered brain. Here is the perfect solution to the torture debate!

There are so many horrible practices that these same senators are opposed to exposing captured enemy combatants to--things like playing Barney programs over and over again (shudder)-- and these senators are to be commended for not wanting to use methods of that degree of horribleness which might be excessively humiliating and/or strip human dignity from enemies who show captured non-combatants mercy and goodness. Clearly, our Democratic senators superior intellect and compassion should be deferred to on these important issues.

My tongue is not in my cheek, but is sticking staight out in their general direction.

So, I suggest that as one of the primary torture techniques adopted by the CIA and US military forces, we subject high value detainees--at Guantanamo or any of those purported "secret" (or not-so-secret) sites-- to unlimited pontificating by the likes of Teddy Kennedy and Joe Biden et al. Their bloviating would be gently and compassionately lethal and completely Democratically- sanctioned torture, imbued with the highest quality of political correctness.

I submit that it would be extremely effective, as well. After just a few brief hours, I am willing to do almost anything to shut them up. I even turned off my TV set.

We can take this one step further, too, I think. Since we are aware of the disdain for formal religion that most of these people have, why not provide all detainees with copies of the congressional record that they can read instead; as well as continuously playing tapes and dvds of these philosophical nitwits heavyweights, instead of providing the detainees with Korans? The Democrats' secular religion with abortion rituals is a good ideological substitute for the Koran and equally contradictory and non-sensical.

That way, if the detainees don't die of boredom, there may actually be a good chance that they could convert to the Democrat religion-- or, possibly vice versa.

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