Abu Musab Zarqawi In a dramatic address reportedly crafted by a 'neoliberal' speechwriter within his administration, Mr. Zarqawi urged the Iraqi people to "throw off the oppressive mantle of self-determination."
"We are led," said Mr. Zarqawi, "by events and common sense, to one conclusion: The survival of Islamic rule in our land increasingly depends on the success of Islamic rule in other lands. The best hope for peace in our world is the destruction of democracy in all the world. Freedom, after all, is just another word for 'nothing left to lose.'"
U.S. Senator John F. Kerry, D-MA, said the Zarqawi speech reinforced his own repeated calls to withdraw American troops from Iraq as quickly as possible, "to avoid imposing our culture-bound values on its people."
"Zarqawi offers a powerful alternative to Bush's provincial rhetorical hubris," Mr. Kerry said. "Even though Mr. Zarqawi is Jordanian, he has won the hearts, and often the heads, of the Iraqi people."
Brilliant, Scott! Go read all the news that's fit for satire here.