IOWA, FIDDLING ON THE ROOF

The holidays are over and, sadly, it's back to politics as usual.

You might say every Iowan is a "fiddler on the roof" trying to pick out a pleasant, simple presidential tune that the rest of the country will be able to sing along, without falling off and breaking their collective neck. It isn't easy. You may ask 'Why do they insist on being the first state to vote in the presidential primaries if it's so dangerous?' Well, they think it makes them special and gives them political clout. So, how do they keep their balance? That I can tell you in two words: they don't!

They think that, like the proverbial matchmaker, they will find America the perfect match....

IOWA, IOWA PICK ME A PREZ

AMERICAN LEFT:
Well somebody else should pick the candidates,
Ordinary Americans can't decide these things themselves.

AMERICAN RIGHT:
They might choose someone wonderful----
Someone qualified----

AMERICAN LEFT:
And sensitive----

AMERICAN RIGHT:
And honest---

LEFT AND RIGHT:
Iowa, Iowa,
Pick me a prez,
Watch his behavior,
Ignore what he says
Iowa, Iowa
Look at them all,
And then simply make your call!

Iowa, Iowa,
Next year we'll vote,
On your nominee,
Who will it be?
Pick me a candidate I can adore,
There's nothing that I want more.

For us righties:
Make him a Reagan!

For Lefties:
A Hugo Chavez!

[For me, well,
I'd like the former;
A clown won't make a good prez.]

Iowa, Iowa,
Pick us a prez,
Watch her behavior,
Ignore what she says....

Day after day we read all the blogs
So find us a prince
In these frogs.

IOWA SPEAKS:

Leftists, Dear Leftists,
Have I got a pick for you!
She's female and young!
All right, she's 62.
But she's a nice girl, a good wife, true?
True.

I promise you'll be happy,
And even if you're not,
There's more to life than pursuing happiness---
Don't ask me what.

Dear Neocons, I found him!
You're lucky that I did!
He's handsome, he's glib,
And only rarely tells a fib.
But he's a nice man, a saintly man, right?
Right.

You heard he's got religion.
You're just not sure which one,
But he stands for family values (you hope)
When all is said and done.

Did you think you'd find a prince?
When you kissed a frog or two?
This is politics, not fantasy
You'll have to make do!

LEFT AND RIGHT:
Iowa, Iowa,
You're just the first
There's still lots of time,
So please, do your worst.

Until this minute,
We hid all our fears,
But we could get stuck for four years!

ME:
Dear Iowans,
Make sure he/she's real
Remember,
You must live with the deal...
This whole big endless campaign
Is getting insane
And completely surreal!

Iowa, Iowa,
Give them all a defeat;
I'm in no rush;
I'm getting cold feet.
The truth is never a sin
And among all these losers
Someone's sure to win....!

So,
Please go away
And leave me alone
Pick me no prez
There's not much of Reagan
And too much Chavez;
They all make me nervous
I can't hide my dread,
No matter what he--or she--says.