West Bank Story

A Play Sung in One Act
(to the tune of "Gee, Officer Krupke")
(**WARNING**WARNING** Sorry, dear readers, but making up ditties like this and shamelessly plagiarizing well-known songs is how I deal with stress! Plus, I enjoy it!)

HAMAS:
Dear kindly Europeans
You gotta make some room,
It's just that being refugees
Can make us go ka-boom.
Our mothers are invisible,
Our fathers pray on rugs.
Golly Mohammad, natcherly we're thugs!

HAMAS AND PALESTINIANS:
Gee, fellow Arabs, we're very upset;
We never had the love that ev'ryone oughta get.
We ain't Islamofacists,
We're just misunderstood.
Deep down inside us there is good!

HAMAS:
There is good!

PALESTINIANS:
There is good, there is good,
There is untapped good!
Like inside, the worst of us is good!

CHIRAC: That's a touchin' good story.

HAMAS: Lemme tell it to the world!

CHIRAC: Just tell it to the UN.

HAMAS:
Dear kind UN Assembly,
We're not terror-like!
If Jews don't give us their State,
Then we'll go out on strike!
No muslim country wants us,
And that really makes us sad.
Holey Moley! That's why we'r'e so bad

KOFI: Right!

President Bush, now you're really so square;
These guys don't need the UN, they need a therapist's care!
It's just some slight delusions that oughta be curbed.
They can't help it, they're psychologic'ly disturbed!

HAMAS:
We're disturbed!

PALESTINIANS:
We're disturbed, we're disturbed,
We're the most disturbed,
Like we're psychologic'ly disturbed.

KOFI: In the opinion on this august body, these people are depraved on account they ain't had a Palestinian State.

HAMAS: Hey, we're depraved on account we're deprived.

KOFI: So take them to a therapist.

HAMAS:
Arafat was a bastard,
And Abbas an S.O.B.
Al Qaeda's always plastered,
Over walls or in a tree.
The Koran says to wear a beard,
But we don't like them, we confess.
Goodness gracious, that's why we're a mess!

THE LEFT: (As therapist) Yes!
America, America, you're really second-rate.
These people don't need their head shrunk, just a good honest State
The Jews played them a terrible trick,
And sociologic'ly they're sick!

HAMAS:
We are sick!

PALESTINIANS:
We are sick, we are sick,
We are sick, sick, sick,
Like we're sociologically sick!

THE LEFT: In our opinion, these guys don't need to have their heads shrunk at all. Terrorism is purely a social disease!

HAMAS: Hey, I got a social disease!

THE LEFT: So take them to a social justice worker!

HAMAS:
Dear kindly fellow-Marxists,
Bush says go earn some bucks.
But then we would be capitalists ,
And you'd think we were schumcks.
It's Bush that's anti-social,
We're only anti-work.
Gloryosky! That's why he's a jerk!

RUMSFELD:
Osama Bin Laden, you're hiding again.
Your followers don't need a job, they need Gitmo or the pen.
It ain't just a question of misunderstood;
Deep down inside them, they're no good!

HAMAS, THE PALESTINIANS AND AL QAEDA (together):
We're no good, we're no good!
We're no earthly good,
Like the best of us is no damn good!

BUSH:
The trouble is they're crazy.

THE LEFT:
The trouble is with you!

SHARON:
The trouble is they're lazy.

HAMAS:
The trouble is the Jew!

THE LEFT:
The trouble's they're oppressed.

BUSH:
And trouble's what they've sown.

PALESTINIANS:
Hey Zarqawi, we got troubles of our own!

Gee, Sheik Osama,
We're down on our knees,
Praying that Allah will cure our social disease.
Gee, Sheik Osama,
What are we to do?

BUSH:
And by the way, Osama
Iraq you!